Time for an important 'Group hug'

Hi folks,

sorry it's been awhile (for more on that, read this)

Anyway... I recently reread my last post (Biscuit thrown out to the flow) and I despised a good chunk of it. I'd like to publically rebut myself a little bit. The content of the art class essay upset me the most.

Here's why:

First of all, I seem to claim that the philosopher Ken Wilber had somehow healed my existential enwie. Bullshit. If anything, he confused me even more by acting like he could solve my doubts about every single belief I've ever held on to. It was a dirty trick, and, although his next book on gender looks damn appealing, I may not forgive him too soon.

My good friend Paul Burdick sums up Wilber better than I: "Wilber's right about everything he claims is wrong, but he's wrong about everything he claims is right." Damn skippy.

Secondly, and way more importantly, I seem to box in an entire chunk of my life, poo-poo it, and claim it to be the affects of being "biten by the New Age bug". That load bullshit is actually probably more the 'Wilber infestation' talking than me. (Wilber knocks New Agers all the time...)
Well..........to hell with that! I think I've been a most beautiful energy-seeing, dream-exploring, love-inspiring, metadimension-exploring, destiny-seeking, world-saving little Aquarius. It's kinda sad that I've been so hard on this gentle and lighted part of my being. I've been quick to blame the troubles I've been having 'making it the real world' on these particular qualities of my personality. What if, instead, I learn to recognize that these qualities simply aren't meant to function as the basis in these 'real world' encounters. My ability to see energy fields around people might not help me to do my taxes, but that doesn't mean it still isn't useful in other circumstances or simply a beautiful thing. It just means that I should learn how to do my damn taxes; you know, cultivate those simple math skills, clear out the entropy a little bit, or maybe even bond with my father who happens to be a brillant accountant. sweet.

[Loving my wonderful past, all these awesome selves, my beautiful and funky belief systems (circa 1999-2002)]

ahhhhhhhhhh........
yay.... That feels much better. It's like love is pouring into my inner child or something.
Parts of my brain are signing peace treaties and throwing wild celebrations and making absurd construction plans.
ahhhhh.... so nice.

now, can I also forgive the part of me that wrote the essay, too?
hmmmmm..... ok, everybody now....
big group hug!!!!

Come on now, for real, I mean EVERYBODY- the essay writer, the critic, the doubter, the fearful one, the angry one, the self-loathing one, the loathing 'the self-loathing one' one, the loathing "the loathing 'the self-loathing one' one" one, the Catholic body-guilt guy, the grasping one, the rebellious one, everybody.....

"psst.... you know, Sean, this 'group hug' sounds a lot like green meme love ideals helping to ease the transition to the second tier yellow meme in which all stages of consciousness are understood to be the fundamental building blocks for the higher ones"- the Wilbur infested one

Damn you, Wilbur infested one.

(humph!)
oh....... ok!

You are so damn hopeful.

Oh, get over here ya big lug!!!!!

Crawl Back onto the Wagon there Cowboy....

Where have you been, my love?

Months and no post?!

Well, what can I give but my apologies both to myself and to the few readers out there who I've no doubt disappointed by this extraordinarily long silence. I've lived a whole lot of life since that struggle at the end of last semester and now, and I've hardly taken a moment to reflect upon any of it.

Alright, so I want to just start writing again and clear the slate but, I feel the need to catch everybody up a little bit.

Here's a quick peek at Elijah B's misadventures as of late:

"Dispensation"

The end of December was a complete mess.  As the semester came to a close I was charged with the task of squeezing what felt like 3 months of schoolwork into 1 week.  Entropy fell upon me as sure as the monsoon rains in India.  I watched helplessly as everything in my physical and mental health fell apart.  

Spanning three days, I spent a terrible 28 total hours in front of a computer stopping only to eat, eliminate, and sleep (well, each night sans one horrid, coffee-induced sunrise session).  The worst part? I wrote only 5 pages for one paper during that entire time!

I was averaging a page every six hours! ... and it wasn't like I was reading and taking notes in between the composing.  It was 28 hours with my fingers on the keyboard, my eyes on the screen.

*shudder*

I stumbled into the following week quite ill and was saved by the grace of a teacher.  Full of worry and shame, I went to my last class wherein I'd done the least amount of work. We were supposed to give a presentation on some kind of project we had done about music, brains, and learning.  I had not done the project nor had I prepared a presentation. 

My teacher carefully moved the flow of the class around without mentioning me at all.  After class he thanked me for sending him the letter about the subject of 'balance' which I had written also as a balance between handing in nothing and cramming myself into the grave.  When I timidly asked him about how to make-up all the work I owed him this gentle, bearded angel of a man replied:

"Oh, I see. So you want to do more for the class?  Ok.  I want you to get 'The Relaxation Response' by Dr. Herbert Benson.  Dr.  Benson studied all of the positive physiological effects that a particular meditation practice had on people all over the world.  Buy it, read it, and then start a regular meditation practice for yourself."

[What?..]

I was in disbelief. And so I asked again about the class. He said, "Oh, please don't worry: we are all set.  Just get the book.  Have a great break."

I walked away in tears.  How could someone love me like that?


"The Best Christmas (since everyone's been old enough to drink)"

No more Santa, no more toys, no more staring up at the stars mistaking a satellite for a sleigh, no more innocence. *sigh*

But!  We had 26 people at my folks' place in Plainville, CT on Christmas Eve. I'm sure that's the best record since the 'big split' in 1986 when the elder of the Jakubowski's moved to Florida.

It was nothing short of awesome.

Here's the highlights:

- A huge Robert Goulette sing-along with me, my father, my brother Kyle, and my four cousins Aaron, Ryan, Eric, and Brian.  Dad and I were crooning away with joy1ful tears in our eyes.  It is super-special whenever I get to sing with that man

- My cousin Aaron's girlfriend brought along her 3 year old daughter Beth-Ann. She ROCKS!  We played some fantastic music together, wow!  She was shyly playing some piano along with me and then I told her to 'take the lead'. Within 15 seconds she was in a hysterically laughing fit and, consequently, so was I.  I got to follow every movement of a giggling 3 year old girl for about 10 minutes.  Sheer joy!

- My cousin Aaron proposed to his girlfriend Beth in front of the whole family. Applause, tears, hugs, and instantaneous celebration. An already awesome occasion suddenly got this huge jolt of emerald, love-filled energy.


"Learning How to Draw"

I came back to school early after Christmas because my drawing class at North Eastern University began two weeks prior to the start of NEC's new semester.  It felt like going to a real college again, and an art college at that!

Being suddenly thrown back into visual art has been a godsend.  I'm literally learning to see in a totally new way!  In fact, the class absolutely requires that you learn how to retrain your perceptions. It feels more like an actual brain re-wiring class. I love it!

I love such constant motion. 

"Intergalactic Knotwhole Gang Day"

We decided January 22nd was to be declared Intergalactic Knotwhole Gang Day.  I went to my dear friend Carla Kelly's home in rural CT and the festivities were glorious.  Seems all I need in my personal heaven is dear friends, good food, and tons of music making merriment!

[Background: "The Knotwhole Gang" refers to the ever expanding group of people who come into the nexus of Carla and Jim's friendship and homestead.  Knotwhole, because of all things wood in Carla's rural, luthier lifestyle, and "not whole" as in we hope to included literally everyone and everything.  Hence our intergalactic theme...]

"My Brootiful Buhlijah B. FeBRuary Birthday"

I turned a quarter century this year, and I spent this momentous birthday in sweet solitude again.  This has been the trend as of late.  My birthday has seemed like such a truly personal day these past few years.  I contemplate what it means to have been born and to exist.  I generally end up loving life all day and doing various activities cultivate my self-love.

I woke up and went to swim practice.  I LOVE swimming, so much.  After a great workout I went to Wholefoods and bought the days' supply of food.  I spared no expense buying tons of really good stuff.

I got a sweet hair cut for the first time since August 2003.

I walked around in the sun and swung on the swings at the park.  I hung out with a flock of geese who were all eating the grass around me as I stared up at a gorgeous, waning crescent daymoon.

I played a whole bunch of guitar and went to sleep with a huge grin on my face.